I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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