Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
