i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
