also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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