I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
