I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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