is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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