I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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