I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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