Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
