My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
