I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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