Don't make out with my wife yet
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
