That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
