I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
