So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Of course I have a pirate flag
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
