mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
