Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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