honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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