First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
