I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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