dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
accomplished twins. life is a go
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
