she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
