Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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