Nicole vs. Life
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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