Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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