It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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