I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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