so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's shark week go big or go home
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
