READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
