I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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