All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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