I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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