I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
