i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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