Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
