What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
