first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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