I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
