rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
