Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
