Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
