i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
