I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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