No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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