It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
