My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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