five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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