Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
