I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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