I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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